Don’t Just Teach Them, Show Them

There are opportunities that come up throughout life where as parents you get the opportunity to “put your money where your mouth is”.  By that I mean, you teach your kids to do certain things because there are things that you know you want your kid to do.  But then there are times where you get the opportunity to show your teen what to do, instead of teach them.  This is one of those opportunities.

We are participating in Sycamore Creek Church’s 24 Hour Prayer Event on Friday May 8th- Saturday May 9th.  We have been asked to take one of the early Saturday morning hours.  So we as a youth family, are taking the 1am prayer hour. 

Now this provides a great opportunity for parents to show their teen how much they value prayer.  At 1am students are not allowed to be driving on the road in Pickerington (it’s the law!) so here is my challenge to parents

Step up and bring your student and join me for an hour at 1am to pray for the people in our church, the needs of our church and for each other! I know some of you have things to do on Saturday, so if you can’t make it at this time, find a different time!

Don’t let an opportunity to “Put your money where your mouth is” pass you by!

To get where you are going, you have to know the destination

I have been chewing on the thought of what I want a student to be like when they graduate from the student ministry at Sycamore Creek Church.  (I posted my thoughts here).  But as I have thought about it, that question really applies to parents as well.  So let me challenge you to think about this-

“What do you want your child to be like when they leave your home?”

After all, most parents would agree that one of the goals of parenting is to prepare your child for a life outside your home.  But I am concerned that parents don’t think strategically (myself included) about how to get their child to where they want them to go.  And one of the big reasons is that parents may not have thought about what they want their child to be like at that point.

Maybe I am wrong, and you have thought about it.  But if you haven’t, seriously think about the destination.   I mean-

- How do you want your child to handle difficult circumstances?
- How do you want them to handle failure?  Success?
- What character qualities do you want them to have?
- What kind of person do you hope to see looking back at you?

Once you begin to see the destination, you can then begin to figure out the path to get there.  No longer will it be “fly by the seat of your pants” type of thing when you know the destination.  It becomes about reaching that goal and doing everything you can to get your child to that point.

Now I have to go and do the same thing for my kids.  The Destination can be set right now…

Youth Family Night

Join us this Sunday at 6pm for a Youth Family Night. 

With the hustle and bustle of the holidays rapidly approaching, we need to stop.  Stop and reflect.  What are you thankful for?  But what are you missing?  What is it in your life that maybe you don’t see as something to be thankful for?

Sure we have a lot that we could complain about, sure things could get better.  But things could also be a lot worse.  And for that alone we should be thankful.  But Thankful is a state of mind.  And on Sunday, my hope is that you will view Thanksgiving in a whole new light.

So get a sitter for the kids, and join your teenager for Youth Family Night.  See You There!!!

P.O.D.- Parent Open Discussion

***Please note the change of date.  P.O.D. Meeting will take place Saturday, March 15th at 10am instead of originally scheduled Friday, March 14th.***

I always find it interesting that youth pastors are expected to help parents raise their teenagers biblically, when in truth, most youth pastors either have no kids or toddlers.  I feel like I am not qualified to give you parenting advice, however I can offer biblical assistance for raising children.  But on the practical side of parenting teens, that is where I lack experience.

Which is why we are starting P.O.D.- Parent Open Discussions. 

What is P.O.D.?
P.O.D.’s are going to be a roundtable discussion of sorts, soley for parents of teens.  In a effort to help you handle the issues your teen is facing, we want to facilitate discussion with other parents who may have already dealt with the same issue, are currently dealing with the same issue, or may be at the point where they know they will face this issue. P.O.D. is designed to let parents of teens help, comfort, encourage, other parents of teens as we go along this journey together.
Why P.O.D.?
Because no parent has all the answers.  Let’s face it, there is not a class you take before you become parents, it’s kind of a learn on the job type of thing.  So who couldn’t use some assistance?  This is a practical way for parents to get help from other parents.  And who knows, youmay just help someone else in the process.  And I believe we call that biblical community.
How’s P.O.D. work?
As we gather, you will have a chance to write out topics, questions, issues, that you would like to discuss.  We will put the cards in a basket and select one at a time, discussing the issue drawn.  If you are not comfortable putting your name on the card with your question or issue, you can leave it anonymous.  Remember, we are just starting this so we may tweak the proces as we go along.

Our first P.O.D.- Parent Open Discussion will take place on Saturday, March 15th at 10am in foyer room 1 at SCC.  Please let Scott know if you are planning on attending.

Is your teenager lying to you?

Right now, answer that question.  You either answered yes, no or i’m not sure.  Let me ask you this question, Do you lie?  If the answer is yes, then what makes you so sure that your teen doesn’t lie?  We talk about little white lies, like telling the telemarketer on the phone that you are not the owner of the house, or teaching our kids to swallow their dissapointment and act like they like that gift from grandma(because it is the polite thing to do).

Let’s face it- Most Teens lie.  And it doesn’t start in the teenager years.  My 3 year old daughter lies.  I have proof.  But where do they learn to lie? 

I found this interesting article about why teens lie. It’s a good read- I suggest every parent read it.  Let me give you a few facts that they point out in the study that the article is written about:

- 98% of teens surveryed agreed that trust and honesty are essential to healthy personal relationships- with parents, friends, family, etc.  (That’s good news)
- Depending on their age, 96% to 98% of teens surveyed said that lying is morally wrong (That’s more good news- the message is being understood)
- Of the students surveyed, 98% of teens reported lying to their parents about one of the 36 topics covered- what they spend their allowances on, if chaperones will be at a party, who they are hanging out with, what movie they went to, alcohol or drug use, etc.
- On average, a teen was lying to their parents about 12 of the 36 topics discusse
- The survey discovered that being an honor student in school did not change the numbers significantly

Obviously we have an issue here.  The question is how do we address it?  I would love to hear suggestions from parents.  I have a few ideas, but I want to see what you as parents are thinking right now.  Let’s start a conversation…leave a comment

The Power of One…and Personal Responsibility

Thanks to Debbie Stemm for sharing this with me.  I am interested to hear parent’s thoughts on this so leave comments!

Personal Responsibility: The Power of One

by Drs. Gary and Greg Smalley
from the DNA of Parent-Teen Relationships

Your buttons get pushed every day. Yet it’s your reaction to those fears that determines whether you get stuck in the Fear Dance—and you control that reaction, not your external circumstances.

You have a choice about how you react when someone pushes your fear button. No one controls how you react. You alone do that.

What happens if your teenager misses curfew? It probably pushes your button. Why do you react?Missing curfew itself hasn’t created a button; the button was there all along. Missing curfew tapped your fear of being controlled, feeling helpless, disrespected, invalidated, being taken advantage of, ignored, failed, unimportant, disconnection, or whatever. The Fear Dance can’t be about the external; it has to be about the internal. It’s not about the existence of your button, but about the way you choose to react when it gets pushed.Do you see how this empowers you? You control how you react. You can’t control whether anyone pushes your button, but you can control how you react to its getting pushed. If this were not the case, then life would simply be an elaborate system of manipulation. But it isn’t! Personal responsibility
is actually founded upon the greatest commandment in the Bible:

Jesus said that the greatest commandment in the Bible is to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor
as yourself.” (Mark 12:29-31)

For years, we thought that these verses contained three commandments: love God, others, and self. But actually, there are only two commandments and one assumption. The two commandments are to love God and others. Loving yourself is not a commandment here; instead, it’s an assumption. In other words, Christ did not need to command us to love ourselves because we are already supposed to be doing that. Loving ourselves is a job that we’ve already been given.The problem is most of us spend all our time and energy talking about what the other person is doing or not doing. We focus all our efforts on complaining or describing the hurtful activities of our teenager. Sue talks
about what she doesn’t like about Anne. Bill fumes about how Steve’s actions drive him crazy. Roberta complains about Jim’s handling of his allowance. But discussions like this go nowhere. They lead only to
frustration and anger and disappointment. Worse yet, they merely keep the music going to the Fear Dance.

There is a better way. A much better and easier way. We want to give you three steps to take control of your emotions and reactions, and tap into the power of one.

1. You Are Responsible for Your Buttons and Reactions.
It doesn’t help a relationship—not in the least—to focus on all the “stuff” you think your son or daughter needs to change. On the other hand, it’s enormously useful, first and foremost, to address what you are doing, to
look at your own reactions, and to ponder your own fears and emotions. It does help when you do your own personal work. It helps a lot. It’s exactly what the Scriptures say, How can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye (Matt. 7:2-5).When your teenager and you get into something, you have the ability to go off by yourself and start thinking, “Okay. When I reacted that way, I wonder where that was coming from? What buttons just got pushed?” That’s very productive. It’s a waste of time, however, to focus on the issue or on your teen’s reactions. Actually, we have found four other things that if you focus on during a conflict, you are completely wasting your time:- Who is right and who is wrong.

- Who is to blame or who is at fault.

- What really happened or the facts.

- How to solve the problem or fix-it.

Ask yourself this question: What percent of time during an argument or conflict do you spend focusing on one of these four things, on the issue or on their reactions? Eighty-percent? Ninety-percent? Or one hundred
percent of the time? Norma and I were horrified when we realized that we spent almost all of our time in the midst of the Fear Dance focused on one of these things that are a complete waste of time.

On the other hand, what isn’t a waste of time, but is extremely productive, is to first focus on YOU—your buttons and your reactions. Remember this: when your buttons get pushed, they’re yours, and you are responsible for them. We often see people caught in pseudo-karate mode in which they spend all their time trying to keep the other person from pushing their buttons. They expend a lot of their energy on trying to control the other person’s behavior. In their mind, it’s all about the other person’s not pushing their buttons.

How much more productive it is when they can honestly say, “Wait a moment! These are my buttons. It’s my job to understand where that came from, what that’s about, and to control my reaction when my buttons get
pushed.”

And it doesn’t matter what kind of buttons they are. We’ve all met people with sensitive buttons. You can’t be around them a minute without pushing one of their buttons because they are so touchy and so exposed. It could be that you’re such a person yourself. But if someone pushes your button, he or she pushes a button for which you are responsible and that you control.

I’m talking here not only about actions but also about thoughts. Many people pretty easily understand that they make choices about their behavior. They don’t always grasp so easily that they make choices about thoughts and ideas.

But if we had no ability to choose what thoughts we have, then why would God tell us, “Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about
things that are excellent and worthy of praise”? And how could the apostle Paul claim, “We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ”?

You are emphatically not at the mercy of those who push your buttons—especially when your teenagers do it. They do not have to control how you react. You do not have to give them the power to determine what you think or what you do. You always have the option to take control of yourself and learn to exercise personal responsibility. The Power of One simply means that one person (you) can stop the dance—you can make a difference.

2. Take Control of Your Buttons and Behaviors.
We’ve all probably heard of the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. What we love about this prayer is that it’s the essence of personal responsibility. God give me the wisdom to accept the things I have no control over (others), and change the things I can control (me).Whenever you focus your attention on what the other person is doing, you take away your own power. You make yourself powerless. In focusing on the other, you try to control things you can’t control. For that reason it’s an exercise in total futility, inefficiency, and ineffectiveness.

How much better to have some say in the matter! How much more effective to take control of something you can actually control! When you focus on yourself rather than on the other person, you vastly increase your odds of being able to enjoy some impact and influence over the relationship problem that bothers you.  We have a choice to make—and our choice will largely determine whether we enjoy deep, satisfying relationships, or fragile, disappointing ones. We can’t stress enough how crucial it is that each of us takes personal
responsibility for how we respond when our fear buttons get pushed.

By nature, most of us want to blame those who upset us. We work hard to try to get them to change how they treat us. We attempt in many unhealthy ways to manipulate them, to force them to quit pushing our buttons. But what usually happens when we take this approach? It succeeds only in pushing that person’s own fear button, which in turn continues and accelerates the Fear Dance . We wind up feeling hurt, abused, estranged, and lonely—and yet another relationship takes a tragic turn for the worse.

To take personal responsibility means that you refuse to focus on what the other person has done. Too many of us think, If only my teen would say this or If only my teen would do that, rather than thinking, I can’t change him, but I can change how I react to him.Personal responsibility requires you to take a hard look at your own side of the equation. You might say to yourself, “You know what? This person just pushed my fear button. Normally I would withdraw and run away, even though that solves nothing. But I’m not going to do that this time. This time I’m going to take responsibility for how I act, rather than trying to manipulate this person into acting toward me in a way I prefer.”

That’s the Power of One. You’ll never know real freedom in your relationships if you insist on letting others control how you feel and what you do with those feelings. Freedom and responsibility are merely two sides of the same coin. You can’t have one without the other.

Imagine yourself in a power struggle, a conflict that really makes you upset. What can you do? If you want to remain powerless, you let your teen determine how you feel and how you react. You rant and rave and demand and bully, hoping to get your way. Unfortunately, you’ll probably get the same kind of treatment in return. So what happens? You end up with anger, frustration, and a bleeding, wounded relationship.On the other hand, you could choose to exercise the Power of One and take personal responsibility. You could remind yourself that in a tug-of-war it takes only one person to drop the rope in order to end the power struggle. As soon as one person drops the rope, the game ends.

Most people don’t realize that they have chosen to participate in the Fear Dance. You may be among them. You may be thinking, What? Why would I choose to participate in the Fear Dance?

Why don’t you choose to drop the rope? Why don’t you stop the Fear Dance? Why don’t you take personal responsibility for your reactions? Why don’t you tap into the Power of One?Most people find it very encouraging to realize that they have the power to stop the dance at any point by choosing not to participate. They can choose. And when you choose to tap into the Power of One, you
decisively break the power of the Fear Dance.

The truth is, no one can “make” you happy. Not a spouse. Not a son or daughter. Not a boss or a neighbor or a pastor. Abraham Lincoln spoke wisely when he said, “I reckon that people are about as happy as they
make up their minds to be.” You, and not someone else, choose how you will react to what life throws at you. You, and no one else, decide what you will do when someone pushes your fear button. The practical
equivalent of, “You will be about as happy as you make up your mind to be” is nothing but, “Only by exercising the Power of One—by taking personal responsibility for your actions—will you find the secret to building strong relationships.”

In a passage full of insight about strong relationships, the apostle Paul writes, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Paul knew that no one can “make” someone else act in a
peaceful way. On the other hand, one person can choose to make the road to peace as smooth as possible. Even if your teen has no interest in peace, you can hold out the olive branch. And even if he or she doesn’t
take it, at least your own heart can enjoy a greater measure of peace than it had before. Other verses:
…For each one should carry his own load. (Gal. 6:5)
I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation… I can do everything through him who give me strength. (Phil. 4:12-13)For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. (2 Tim. 1:7)

This is the Power of One. And it’s good news! If your entire well-being and delight in life depends on how someone else treats you, then you’re in for a bumpy ride. But if you decide to take control of how you react to the challenges or insults or difficulties or conflicts that inevitably come your way, then a whole new world opens up—a world marked by peace.Regardless of the size of your fear button, the Power of One gives you the ability to break the destructive power of the Fear Dance. This goes not only for trivial things like disrespect but also to big things—even as big as rebellion.

It’s absolutely crucial to remember that when you choose to tap into the Power of One, you empower yourself. You begin to control what you can control rather than trying to manipulate what will always lay outside of
your power.

Some adults remain childishly dependent, unnecessarily needy, and forever at the mercy of anyone willing to take care of them. Do you want great relationships? If so, then you need to learn this new dance step.

Whether you’re about to celebrate your eighteenth or your eightieth birthday, you can choose today to take responsibility for yourself. You can choose the Power of One. It’s the only way to experience the true freedom that all great relationships provide.

© Copyright 2006 Smalley Relationship Center

Newest member of Sycamore Creek Church

Click here to go to my personal blog to see pics of our new baby!

Helping your teen keep those New Year’s resolutions

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about resolutions.  Partly because it is a new year and it seems right to make some resolutions as we start out 2008.  And partly because I wonder why people are not able to keep those resolutions.  Think about how many resolutions you have made in your life-at the beginning of every year, during the year, whenever- then think about how many of them you have successfully kept.  Not that many, huh?  Me either?  Why is that?  I mean I don’t think I am a failure, I think I have willpower to do it, and I am sure you feel that same way.

Now think about your teen.  I am sure they made some new year’s resolutions.  How do we help them keep their resolutions.  This is in no way a fool-proof plan, just some thoughts I have about helping your teen keep their resolutions:

1. Share your resolutions with them
If you take the first step in the process by sharing your resolutions, it may open your teen up to sharing theirs with you.  As always, if this is something your teen doesn’t need to deal with, then don’t share it.  But I bet we all have a resolution or two that we can share with each other.

2. Ask them to help hold you accountable for your resolutions
For example, if one of your resolutions is to lose weight, ask them to keep you accountable for the kinds of food you eat and for not exercising.  If teens feel that they are helping you out, it may lead them to have you help them out.

3. Ask them to share their resolutions with you
After you have shared some of your resolutions, and asked them to help you, now challenge them to share theirs so that you can help them.  Everyone needs some accountability, so if you are in this together- them helping you and you helping them- it no longer seems like a parent/child relationship, but like a partner helping out another partner.

4. If need be, write out a contract for the year
If it helps, put what you want to do and how you are going to get there on paper for your student to see.  Then challenge them to do the same.  If you have it in writing, you can remind each other about the commitment when it gets difficult.  Plus it removes the “You said…” argument from the scenario…now you can consult the facts in writing

5. Accountability in love.
Remember, this is an equal partnership in the commitment to resolutions (you have to remove your parent hat for this one) and your goal is to help them keep their commitment, not to get them to do something they don’t want to do.  So keep the accountibility with love. Sometimes you will have to push, but do it as a partner, not a parent.

6. Celebrate mini-milestones
If your teen wants to read their Bible through in a year, celebrate when they finish one book in the Bible. Or when they do one month of reading.  Find mini-milestones to celebrate.  Breaking down a larger goal into smaller milestones will make the task seem easier.  If weight is an issue, celebrate every 5 pounds lost (but not by eating cake . Find a way to celebrate, because those celebrations become motivation to keep going.

 These little tips should help you develop a closer relationship with your teenager and will help you and your teen to keep more of the resolutions you set for 2008!

Parents are Clueless…

You ever felt that way?  I only have a 2 year old and I feel that way.  I can’t imagine what it will be like when she is a teenager.  I know there will be times when she won’t want to tell me things.

Teenagers seem to struggle with that a lot.  There is so much going on in their lives that they don’t tell their parents.  Maybe they are afraid of the punishment, maybe they are embarrassed, maybe they just don’t know how.  Comunication is so hard for teenagers, especially when it comes to talking to their parents. 

I found this website today- www.parentsareclueless.com – and just began reading the posts.  This is not a Christian site by any means so be prepared to read some shocking information. The website is designed to let parents post thoughts and students to post thoughts, all anonymously.  Take a minute and read some of the posts. It can be an eye-opening experience. 

It’s so important to provide an atmosphere where your child can share what is really on their mind.  And for that to happen, they need to know that you love them no matter what.

Bible Reading Challenge

This past Sunday at Cross Current, we continued our series on Habits. We talked about the habit of Bible Reading.  Did you know that only 34% of American Christians read their Bible during the week?  I challenged our students to take the next step in their Bible reading habits.

If they never read the Bible, I challenged them to start.  if they read it occasionally, I challenged them to step up to a regular reading time.  and if they read it regularly, I challenged them to invest more time studying and applying it to their life.

Good Scott!  So Why are you telling me?  Well, I am not around the students as often as parents are.  So I wanted to make you aware of what the students have been challenged to do so you can encourage them in it.  Let me give you a few suggestions:

1. Ask them if they are reading their Bible?  Don’t get mad at them no matter their answer.
2. Challenge them to step up and do more. If you are challenging them at home, and we are challenging them at church, the impact will be multiplied.
3. Accountability- Ask them every day if they have done it.  Warning- If you do this, assume that your student will ask you if you are doing it too!
4. Let them “catch” you reading your Bible.  You may not think so, but you still have a great impact on what your teen does.  if they see you reading the Bible, it will encourage them to do so.
5. Praise your student whenever they succeed.